The Ignominy Of Sergeant Cryer

Doris and Betty really only wanted to be lumberjacks

By Albion(With his tongue in his cheek and a small hat tip to The Bill)

There was no ambiguity, no equivocacy here, the racist words the assailant used were “Why don’t you bugger off, you effing Pikey” With the full backing of EU law the aggrieved man’s partner immediately rang the police to complain of racial, or was it ethnic vilification?

It appears the fracas started when one of her 7 children had kicked the man’s dog; the young urchin complained to his parents that the dog ate one of his Bananas.

This arrest was going to look very impressive on the Police Commissioner’s desk the following morning as the figures for arrests for racial crimes in the area had plummeted over the last few months, which I am sure you can appreciate are of critical importance and take precedent over all other crimes brought before the authorities, yes including rape and homicide.

A legal representative for the man was hurriedly sought. Firstly a Refugee Industry lawyer was called, followed by a lawyer from the Race Relations Industry then an Immigration Industry lawyer, followed by a Human Rights Industry lawyer. All were inadvertently called in error before the Police finally obtained the services of a legal aid public defence lawyer for poor English people.

During the intense interrogation the Police were horrified to discover that the complainants name was indeed a Mr. Gordon Pikey. A representative of the European Union’s Anti Racial Thought Police (Western Regions) was urgently flown over by Lear Jet from Brussels to give urgent advice on the State Police Force interpretation of EU laws and on the legal implications and the possibility of the accused man suing them for wrongful arrest and instituting claims for substantial compensation.

This was indeed a disturbing turn of events as it appears the police budget for the entire region was already deeply in the red and the only assets the Police station possessed of any tangible value was a slightly damaged rainbow coloured Gay Police Association flag, an extra large lady Policeman’s stab proof vest, a used mace canister and two spent rubber bullet cases.

It was later reported, and here I would like to emphasise it is only hearsay, a rumour than cannot be confirmed or denied that a policeman was overheard saying to his colleague “well seeing we ‘ave ‘im ‘ere, surely we can get ‘im on suffink, check ‘is pockets for Spliffs” The jubilance in the police station had noticeably waned.

The police figures for the month were not looking good. The arrested man had no Spliffs. The charge was thrown out and the arresting officer Sergeant Cryer, was warned by his Inspector the next mistake he makes he is going to find himself patrolling public toilets down in Brighton and Hove and its environs which I believe gave his wife some genuine cause for concern as she told her mother she didn’t particularly like Brighton, she said all her relatives and friends lived locally and besides she much preferred Crawley.

The threat to Sergeant Cryer kept him awake for weeks. His wife, Mrs Beatrice Cryer, complained he had lost all interest in the physical aspects of the marriage if you understand what I mean, and here I don’t want to go too deeply into her personal sexual concerns or needs other than to say she did suggest to his superiors that maybe counseling might help him raise some interest in the physical delights awaiting him in the marital bed, which night after night was also affecting her ability to teach English to Afghan and Kurdish refugees the following day.

The old adage goes as one door closes another one opens. Hang on; or is it that when one door opens another closes?

It really doesn’t matter. Two weeks had passed when a bloodied, bruised and disheveled handcuffed man was brought into the station, the charge racial vilification. The sergeant blanched. “Oh no, God spare me this one please”

The sergeant was quick to sum up the delicate situation the station had found itself in, but more importantly to him personally. The real possibility of patrolling Brighton and Hove public toilets seemed perilously close. “Officer Beech” he barked “for heavens sake before we forcibly take DNA samples and fingerprints from this man using force if the need arises, and more importantly ascertaining whether he is a member or supporter of the British National Party, check if the complainants name is Slav for Christ sake!"

Tags: Albion