Thursday, 2 November 2006

Moslem Jokes - Lets have them please

Najistani inspired me to add a Moslem Jokes thread. Now we know that one of the bests way to defeat a false idea is to ridicule it. So here we go. Please add yours to the comments section and then I will include them in the thread.

  • Q: What do you ask a man who's just converted to Islam?
  • A: Have you started beating your wife
  • Q How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
  • Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
  • A: Dress her up as a goat.
  • Q: Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
  • A:Neither did I.
  • Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  • A. What's toilet paper?
  • Q How can you recognise a well-balanced Muslim?
  • A He's got chips on both shoulders.
  • Q: What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
  • A: Nothing! You told her twice already!
  • Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
  • A: Lefty!
  • Q: What's the difference between Dar al-Islam and a pot of bio-yogurt?
  • A: The yogurt has a living culture.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
Nine year old Aisha and her kid brother Ahmed are talking about Mohammed. Aisha said "Last night Uncle Mo came to me and told me I had the gates of paradise between my legs and he had the key between his"
"That's funny" Ahmed replied. "For the last two years he's been telling me it's Gabriel's trumpet and I've got to learn how to play it"

Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.
Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what's the difference. Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home, she was on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings, he sat beside her and said “I heard you were planing to leave me?” she said “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile” so Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then he responds “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old”……
Bloke goes browsing in an old backstreet antique shop in Brighton. While he's in there he spots a little bronze statue of a rat, absolutely perfect in every little detail. He asks the shopowner how much.

"£12 for just the rat. £100 for the rat and the story that goes with it."

"Keep the story, but I'll take the rat"

Just after he's left the shop with the bronze rat he hears a squeak behind him, looks around and sees there's a rat following him. Ignores it and carries on walking. Minute or two later, he looks back again and there's a dozen rats following him. He speeds up his walk, and after a minute or two looks again - hundreds of rats and more climbing up out of the drains and joining in. He starts running. The rats start running. He heads out onto the pier, runs to the end of it with by now thousands of rats right behind him. When he reaches the end of the pier he throws the bronze rat in the sea, and the thousands of rats run straight off the end of the pier after the statue, and all drown.

Few minutes later, he's back in the old antique shop, and the owner, with a big smile on his face says

"Come back to buy the story, have you?"

"Fuck the story - got any bronze Muslims?"

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the cord!

I bought a Teddy Bear today for £10, named it Mohammed and sold it for £20 on eBay and made a prophet.

Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.

Q. How long does it take a Muslim adulteress to do the ironing?
A. She can't do it at all. She's been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?
A. She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. How often do Muslim adulteresses pray?
A. They don't pray at all. They've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. Did you hear the one about the Muslim adulteress who had a spare engine in the boot of her VW Beetle?
A. No. Firstly, under Sharia law women can't drive. Secondly, it's hard to drive after you've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion - aka Islam.

Cowboys and Muslims

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: 'Once my people were many, Now we are few.'

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his stetson says, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.'