Thursday, 2 November 2006

Moslem Jokes - Lets have them please


Najistani inspired me to add a Moslem Jokes thread. Now we know that one of the bests way to defeat a false idea is to ridicule it. So here we go. Please add yours to the comments section and then I will include them in the thread.

  • Q: What do you ask a man who's just converted to Islam?
  • A: Have you started beating your wife
  • Q How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
  • A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
  • Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
  • A: Dress her up as a goat.
  • Q: Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
  • A:Neither did I.
  • Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  • A. What's toilet paper?
  • Q How can you recognise a well-balanced Muslim?
  • A He's got chips on both shoulders.
  • Q: What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
  • A: Nothing! You told her twice already!
  • Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
  • A: Lefty!
  • Q: What's the difference between Dar al-Islam and a pot of bio-yogurt?
  • A: The yogurt has a living culture.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
Nine year old Aisha and her kid brother Ahmed are talking about Mohammed. Aisha said "Last night Uncle Mo came to me and told me I had the gates of paradise between my legs and he had the key between his"
"That's funny" Ahmed replied. "For the last two years he's been telling me it's Gabriel's trumpet and I've got to learn how to play it"

Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.
Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what's the difference. Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home, she was on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings, he sat beside her and said “I heard you were planing to leave me?” she said “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile” so Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then he responds “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old”……
Bloke goes browsing in an old backstreet antique shop in Brighton. While he's in there he spots a little bronze statue of a rat, absolutely perfect in every little detail. He asks the shopowner how much.

"£12 for just the rat. £100 for the rat and the story that goes with it."

"Keep the story, but I'll take the rat"

Just after he's left the shop with the bronze rat he hears a squeak behind him, looks around and sees there's a rat following him. Ignores it and carries on walking. Minute or two later, he looks back again and there's a dozen rats following him. He speeds up his walk, and after a minute or two looks again - hundreds of rats and more climbing up out of the drains and joining in. He starts running. The rats start running. He heads out onto the pier, runs to the end of it with by now thousands of rats right behind him. When he reaches the end of the pier he throws the bronze rat in the sea, and the thousands of rats run straight off the end of the pier after the statue, and all drown.

Few minutes later, he's back in the old antique shop, and the owner, with a big smile on his face says

"Come back to buy the story, have you?"

"Fuck the story - got any bronze Muslims?"

The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the cord!


I bought a Teddy Bear today for £10, named it Mohammed and sold it for £20 on eBay and made a prophet.

Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.

Q. How long does it take a Muslim adulteress to do the ironing?
A. She can't do it at all. She's been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?
A. She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. How often do Muslim adulteresses pray?
A. They don't pray at all. They've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. Did you hear the one about the Muslim adulteress who had a spare engine in the boot of her VW Beetle?
A. No. Firstly, under Sharia law women can't drive. Secondly, it's hard to drive after you've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion - aka Islam.

Cowboys and Muslims

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: 'Once my people were many, Now we are few.'

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his stetson says, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.'

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Let people have their own reactions to things, especially racist bigotry which is no laughing matter."

Are you stupid or just ignorant (or maybe both)? For your information islam is not a race. Also for your information it is really not a religion either. It is a political ideology, and a very harmful one. Or perhaps you consider also jokes about nazis to be racist?

najistani said...

In order to make the midwinter holiday more inclusive, traditional C*****mas Carols will be modified to become acceptable to Muslims:

Little Bomber Boy
Jingle Belts
Violent Night
While Shepherds Screw Their Flocks
I stoned Mommy for kissing Santa Claus
Wreck the Halls
Go Shell Them From the Mountain
Frosty the Boobytrap
Repulsive Jews Below
Oh Come all ye Fanatical
No-go Town of Bethlehem
Hijacked Three Ships
Oh TannenBOOM
Slay Ride

najistani said...

AN INSPIRING STORY OF MARTYRDOM

A Muslim shaheed or ‘martyr’ (one who dies while killing infidels), may intercede with Allah to take 70 of his relatives to paradise with him, no matter what their sins.

This thought kept going through Papa's mind as he was considering a career for Sharif, the youngest and most useless of his eleven sons and umpteen daughters. Sharif wasn't much good for anything in this world, he couldn't even remember more than five aliases when filling in his welfare claims.

So a family council was called, and targets discussed. Aircraft, schools and trains had their pros and cons. But then Sharif's sister Parveen had a brain-wave. "Killing Christians is indeed pleasing to Allah, but you get treble points for killing Jews - let's send him to Israel"

Everybody was in agreement apart from Momma, who wondered how Sharif was going to feed himself in paradise since this was the first time he'd been away from home and he couldn't even open a can.

"No problem" Papa explained "Out of 72 virgins some of them are going to be able to cook." Momma was not convinced they’d be able to cook as well as her.

Meanwhile Sharif went to the local Mosque’s laboratory to mix the relevant ingredients in the correct proportions.

The great day came, and Sharif rushed into an Israeli seaside bar shouting "I love Pepsi Cola more than you love death! Akkah Albar!" - He never could get anything right.

He pressed the detonator and there was a fizzle, and then a flame from his bomb belt - but no bang. Sharif was no great genius at chemistry, he'd made an incendiary mixture instead of explosives.

In an effort to extinguish the flames, Sharif ran out and jumped into the sea. It worked, but then he remembered he’d never learned to swim.

The body was washed up in due course, leaving and Papa and Momma very uncertain. Could Sharif be a Shaheed by just killing himself without slaughtering any infidels? Eventually they decided to visit a medium to make contact and find out what he was doing in the afterlife.

“Tell me what it’s like where you are” said Papa.
Sharif’s voice came through the medium sounding squeaky and distorted. “Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I have a lettuce. I have sex again. Then I have a cucumber. Then more sex and celery and so on for the rest of the day.”

“Sex, sex and more sex!” Papa said “Truly my son you are indeed a Shaheed!”

But Momma was still a little anxious “You’ll need more than salad to keep your strength up with all that exercise. Aren’t they feeding you properly in paradise?”

“Who said anything about paradise?” Sharif’s voice replied. “I’ve been reincarnated as a rabbit in Salinas valley.”

NAJISTANI said...

A MUSICAL INTERLUDE

The shoe bomber song (freakin' hilarious):

http://islamcomicbook.com/lyrics3.htm



Strangers on my flight:

http://beecy.net/frank/

watling said...

More Muslim friendly carols:

Away in an Al-Qaeda Training Camp
The Holly and the Detonator
Do They Know It's Jihad?
Bombing in a Winter Wasteland

Plus, here are some of your favourite songs from Islamic musicals:

"You've got to kill a kuffar or two"

"Consider yourself ... Al Qaeda"

"The hills are alive with the sound of bombing"

"Somewhere over the minaret"

"Thank heaven for little jihadists"

"Look for the bomb-making necessities"

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll murder you tomorrow"

"I'm dreaming of no Christmas"

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the mosque we go"

"Some day my detonators will come"

"Putting on the burqa"

watling said...

More carols:

Jihadists from the Realms of Death
Death to the World
We Three Killers of Orient are
Allah Rest Ye Dying Infidel Men
Good King Osama
Bang Bang Verily You Die

Thought Criminal 14 said...

Anon 14:45:

"1. I never claimed that Islam was a race! As you know (or should know) racism extends beyond the concept of 'race'."

Which makes you a racist for criticising anything that isn't you! So there!

Wait, that's not what you mean by racist? Oh dear. Perhaps you'd like to stop playing Humpty Dumpty and use words according to sensible definitions?

"2. Amongst other things, race is a social construct."

Bollocks.

"3. I dont make jokes about Nazis. I enjoy humour and political satire and I dont think that racist jokes are acceptable."

So the Nazis are/were a race? That's interesting. How do you figure that?

"4. I dont think that my measured responses to the racism here on this posting constitutes stupidity or ignorance on my part. However, since the commenters have so far avoided my questions asking them to define their terms of reference, its impossible for me to know HOW you folks define things."

I'll show you mine (definitions) if you'll show me yours.

"Therefore, I may very well be thought of as both ignorant and stupid in your eyes. I was under the assumption that supporters of the BNP would be faithful upholders of the English Language (and all of the congruent definitions that match the words that you use)."

Coming from someone who uses 'racism' to wail about things unrelated to race, that really is very rich indeed.

"Whether this is the case or not isnt really my issue but just to let you know, it is the language that I am conversing on for the purposes of my engagement with you lot."

One converses IN a language, but ON a platform. Thus, you are abusing one, and are handed the other (respectively) while patriots and nationalists like us try and keep the one and are denied the other. So no preaching on the use of the English language, please, there are greater failings on both sides to address. Anon 11:46 was spot on about islam not being a race, and barely a religion, what's your excuse for 'racism' applying beyond the reality of race which you choose to call a construct?

defender said...

Anonymouse, we are having a laugh here, do you mind. if you do not want to be blown up like the rest of us here, shut your little girlie mouth up and date mohamad. He will soon sort you out.
in any case mind your own business, what are you my concious or something.

defender said...

“A Muslim walks into a pizza parlor…”

everybody ducks under the tables

Anonymous said...

Troll:"Amongst other things, race is a social construct."

In truth, I think you will find that society is actually a racial construct.

Take a look around the world at the different races and the societies they create for themselves. Each one has evolved to reflect the natural inclinations, disposition and capabilities of its members. Some societies are inherently dysfunctional beyond a certain civilisational level and some never get as far as what we would call civilisation (I could give examples but that would be racist).

If indeed 'race is a social construct' perhaps you could offer an explanation as to why all societies aren't at the same level.

Regards

Patrick

najistani said...

Back on topic

72 questions about 72 virgins;

The theological questions raised by 72 virgins are both profound and far reaching. For example

1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?


With thanks to the evil Jooooooooooooz (sons of pigs and monkeys) at

http://factsofisrael.com/blog/archives/000079.html

najistani said...


'Much to Zarqawi's surprise, the virgins who awaited him in paradise were not quite what he expected.....

Anonymous said...

Moslem prophet Mohamet was interviewed by the BBC about his sexuality. Allah's apissle said that necrophilia is dead boring, incest is relatively boring but paedophilia is child's play, even a 6 year old can do it.

He also stated that bestiality is a pet hobby of his.

Yours in all seriousness,

Lionherart (no, not the christian blogger whoever he/she/it is and yes I'll think of another moniker soon, inshallah, pbuh, most merciful be praised death to the infidel dogs and may allah's droppings rain down on the apes and the pigs, hellfire eternally theirs etc.)

Anonymous said...

So Lucifer rings Yaweh one day, begging for reconciliation:

"Look God old son, we've had our disagreements and the bad blood between us has gone on long enough. I always liked you, you can't deny that, and, well, I'm getting a bit bored with the stifling heat of hell, the grinding of bones and the gnashing of teeth. And don't get me started on the moaning and the screaming, they never end. But hey, I miss you, can we bury the hatchet and start again?"

"Fucking hell" says the almighty "don't tell me, hell is being overrun with fucking muslim immigrants as well?"

Lionheart. No not him, the other one, yes, him without a blog. For now.

The Green Arrow said...

Some Great Jokes there guys. Keep them coming.

Red Anon: I must make one thing clear to you. These jokes are not hidden away on a private forum. They are there for the entire world to see. If you go to the very bottom of the blog and click on the little red man, you will see the world on here and who is on and the locations of past visitors.

I do not like curry so I do not, would not go to an Indian Restaurant. If the jokes offend do not read them.

Anonymous said...

GA: The point about racial discrimination is that it applies to people regardless as to whether they are aware of it or not. And it is ridiculous to suggest that the way to avoid being offended is simply not to read something. I could suggest the same thing to you about reading the Koran. If it offends, dont read it! The problem is that it does offend you and you dont EVEN read it (or certainly none of you command any detailed knowledge of it). Your posting of racist jokes today was not acceptable and was discriminatory. I dont ignore that sort of abuse lightly.

BFB said...

Anon:"Your posting of racist jokes today was not acceptable"

To whom?

Were you born self-righteous, or is it a recent development?

I could be offended by Benny Hill jokes, does that mean Benny Hill shouldn't tell them?

Where do you draw the line with this 'I'm offended' shit?

Are you offended by my use of the word 'shit'? maybe only you should be aloud to post on this blog...would that make you happy?

BFB said...

"I dont ignore that sort of abuse lightly."

Sorry GOD!

BFB said...

"The point about racial discrimination is that it applies to people regardless as to whether they are aware of it or not."

A bit like Orwell, where Parsons ended up in room 101 because his own daughter accused him of thought crimes...and he wasn't even aware of it!

Nice one, Troll, I don't want to live in your sick world.

BFB said...

"If it offends, dont read it!"

You took the words out of my mouth!

Why don't you 'read the Communist Manifesto' instead of reading this blog?

Silly question, reading the Communist Manifesto means BANNING this blog, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

well done folks!
ROFLMAO

Louise didn't you know that comedy was given the green light by government after Rowan Atkinson questioned their incitement to religious (should read ridiculous) hatred laws.

watling said...

Here are your favourite Elvis songs - Muslim style:

Blue Suede Shoe Bomber
Suspicious Mosques
US Mailbomb
Are you Stoning Tonight?
I Just Can't Help Murdering
Good Bombing Tonight
Do Be Cruel
All Blown Up
Destroy Las Vegas
In The Muslim Ghetto
You'll Never Bomb Alone
A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Stoning
Black Bearded Bloodthirsty Man
Bombers Rush In
I Can Help (You Die)
Teddy Bear (Called Mohammed)
That's All Right Bomber
The Wonder of Jihad
Whole Lot Of Bombin' Goin' On

watling said...

Here are your favourite Beatles songs - Muslim style:

All My Bombing
All You Need Is Jihad
And I Stone Her
Being For The Benefit Of Mr Bin Laden
Eight Bombs A Week
Blowing A Hole
The Bomb On The Hill
Here Comes The Jihad
Hey Jew (Don't Make Me Mad)
I Want To Sever Your Hand
Lovely Burka
Lucy Blown Up In The Sky With Semtex
Osama's Silver Bomb
She's Leaving Home (In A Coffin)
Ticket To Pakistan
We Can Blow It Up
When I'm Sixty-Four (I'll Marry A Child)
While Baghdad Gently Weeps
With A Little Help From My Koran
Your Imam Should Know

Fidothedog said...

Ok here we go with a Christmas moslem joke:

The latest christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the fucking cord!

&

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

& a topical one to finish...

British weather, its just like a Muslim, either sunni or shi'ite.

watling said...

Cliff songs - Muslim style:

Al Qaeda Boy
Do You Wanna Die?
Power To All Our Bombs
Wired For Detonation
Severed Toe And Whine
Bomb You Nights
The Young Dead Ones
We Don't Talk Anymore (Because You're Dead)

Slade songs - Muslim style:

Coz I Hate You
Cum On Feel The Hate
Far, Far Away (In Pakistan)
Gudbye T'Abdul
Lock Up Your Wives
Allah Weer All Crazee Now
Merry Ramadan Everybody
Take Me Bak Ome (To Pakistan)
Look Wot You Bombed
7 Year Old Bitch

Anonymous said...

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

najistani said...

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?

A. Bisexual



Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?

A. They mark the camels that kick.



Q. Why do Muslims wear robes?

A. A goat can hear a zipper a mile away.



Q. What do Mecca and Hiroshima have in common?

A. Nothing, yet.



Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?

A. A pimp.

Anonymous said...

A cross-section survey of 1000 muslim people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans and Turks were
asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Anonymous said...

The jokes are great, even the red anon was smirking I'll bet.
Theres a great site called laughingatislam.co.uk and the Muslim comments are fantastic all CAPS and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the usua;l death threats!
They dont know why everyones laughing at them.
Even Reds, though they pretend not to.

Anonymous said...

Your all a bunch of fuckers!!! U racist mother fuckers..dont u hav anything better to do rather than sitting ther posting racist jokes?? u honky bastards your all going to go to hell!!

Thought Criminal 14 said...

"u honky bastards your all going to go to hell!!"

Save me a good place then, won't you? See you there.

johnofgwent said...

hgjyukjhgjgytjkjhgukytguytutit

tude dog said...

These are a couple of funny Youtube skits.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Achmed The Dead Terrorist Carols

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bsHtNZzpzcI

eloivsdiablo said...

Excuse me for being late...
A young lad was playing with shit and molding it into something when an imam came along and asked, "what are you doing little boy?" The boy proudly said, "I am making a muslim", the imam then suggested he make a model of the greatest man ever to have lived, mohammad (PBUH). The boy puffed up with pride and then slumped down in disappointment and said, "but I do not enough shit for that"...

norman wisdom said...

Q:why do the mohammadens wear rubber welly boots when making love?
A:To stop the goat shit getting between their toes.

Q:Why don't believers wear condoms?

A:They don't need them because you can't make a camel pregnant.

Imman to the flock.
"It has come to my notice that some of you have been having sexual relations with ghosts (djins)
To save your souls from hellfire you must stand before us and confess"
Timid little bearded man raises himself up and slowly puts up his hand.
He is violently harangued by the Imman and hissed at by the brothers.
"How could you lower yourself to have sexual relations with a ghost, Abdul?"

Says Abdul with a quisical look,
"oh, sorry most wise Sheik, I thought you said sexual relations with a goat!"

Says the Immam, after a moments thought,
"Well that's different, Abdul, where do you keep it?"
(with apologies to freddie starr and the Welsh.)

Anonymous said...

Elvis don't you know it is sin to make an image of any living thing?
Sorry, that's alright then.
No hang on, couldnt they pool their shits, they were all in it together.

Anonymous said...

From http://newportcity.blogspot.com/2007/10/some-various-bad-taste-jokes.html



What's the difference between Basil Brush and a suicide bomber?
A suicide bomber only goes BOOM once.



Two moslems go into a club....Boom boom...



Al-Qaeda accidently recruited a dyslexic into their ranks.
They now have the worlds first suicide bummer.



The Glasgow car bomber got let off on the terrorism charge.
But don't worry they got him for smoking in public!



A Muslim woman knocked on my front door last night - I spoke to her through the letterbox............ See how she fucking likes it!



An Arab buys a camel and he proudly decides to ride it around his local pub carpark, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
"Nice camel mate," One of the drinkers commented, "Is it male or female?"
"It's female!" said the Arab.
"How can you tell?" said the drinker.
"Well," the Arab explained, "on the way here today, at least twenty people yelled out,'Hey, Look at the dirty, smelly cunt on that camel!"



Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
Because it's full of Arab semen.



It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the World Trade Center used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?



How does a shoe bomber walk?
Fucking carefully is my guess.


An illegal migrat went into a bar and asked "Could you recommend your finest port?"
"Yes," said the barman. "Dover. Now fuck off."


How do you get rid of the red spot on an illegal migrants head?
Switch off the laser-sight on your gun.



Asylum seeker at the side of the road eating grass. Man pulls up in his car and says "Hey! Don't eat that. Come home with me and I'll feed you."
The asylum seeker replies "I have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?"
Man says "Fuck off, I've only got a small lawn!"


What's the difference between E.T and an asylum seeker?
E.T looked better, learnt English, wanted to go home and gave the fucking bike back.


What have sperm and immigrants got in common?
Millions of the bastards get in but only one of the fuckers works!



Raj was trying to get into the U.K legally. The officer said "You have to pass a test to enter. You must make a sentance using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Raj replied "De telephone goes 'Green Green' - 'Green Green', den I pink it up and say "Yellow"
Raj now works in a call centre near you!


Good news - the BBC has just reported that record numbers of people are leaving the UK.
The bad news is most of them are white.


What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?
Nothing yet.

three guys ... a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an British engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and when they pick it up a Genie pops out.


"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile."
POOOOF! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed at this display, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall to be set up around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, British and other infidels forever outside our precious state."
POOOOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, a huge wall appeared around those countries. The British engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries ... it's virtually impenetrable.
Now what is YOUR wish?"
The British engineer smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."


British weather, it's just like a Muslim, either Sunni or Shi'ite.



A car bomb has been found outside a Mosque in London.
Scotland Yard have stated that the public have nothing to worry about as they've managed to push it inside!!



A Muslim in our street has doused himself in petrol, set fire to himself and burnt to death.......
We're having a collection for his family...
So far, we've got 80 litres!!!


Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!


Police ask the driver of the Virgin train that crashed what caused the accident.
"Muslims." he replied.
"What," said the copper, "on the track?"
"No, On the embankment but I still got the cunts !"


How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!


A Muslim man has just driven his car into the retaining wall of the Sheffield Reservoir.
Police believe it may be the start of Ramadam.


What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty!

How many muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Their faith doesn't allow change.

I've found another place where you can find over 75,000 Muslim jokes!
It's called Bradford.


Little Ahmed says to his little sister Geeta, "Let's play doctors and nurses".
Little Geeta says, "Where are we going to get petrol and gas cannistors at our age".....


Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead muslim?
Theres no skid marks before the muslim


Two Muslim women are walking down the road with tight fitting rucksacks, when one says to the other "does my bomb look big in this?"

ProudGeordie said...

What do you call a Muslim Stripper?

Yaseen Mamuff!