Moslem Jokes - Lets have them please
Najistani inspired me to add a Moslem Jokes thread. Now we know that one of the bests way to defeat a false idea is to ridicule it. So here we go. Please add yours to the comments section and then I will include them in the thread.
- Q: What do you ask a man who's just converted to Islam?
- A: Have you started beating your wife
- Q How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.
- Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
- A: Dress her up as a goat.
- Q: Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics?
- A:Neither did I.
- Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
- A. What's toilet paper?
- Q How can you recognise a well-balanced Muslim?
- A He's got chips on both shoulders.
- Q: What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
- A: Nothing! You told her twice already!
- Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
- A: Lefty!
- Q: What's the difference between Dar al-Islam and a pot of bio-yogurt?
- A: The yogurt has a living culture.
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan . Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......Nine year old Aisha and her kid brother Ahmed are talking about Mohammed. Aisha said "Last night Uncle Mo came to me and told me I had the gates of paradise between my legs and he had the key between his"
"That's funny" Ahmed replied. "For the last two years he's been telling me it's Gabriel's trumpet and I've got to learn how to play it"
Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.Guy goes into sex shop and asks for an inflatable doll. Assistant asks him whether he wants a Christian one or a Muslim one. Customer asks what's the difference. Assistant explains that you need a pump for the Christian doll, but the Muslim one blows itself up.
Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home, she was on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings, he sat beside her and said “I heard you were planing to leave me?” she said “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile” so Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then he responds “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old”……Bloke goes browsing in an old backstreet antique shop in Brighton. While he's in there he spots a little bronze statue of a rat, absolutely perfect in every little detail. He asks the shopowner how much.
"£12 for just the rat. £100 for the rat and the story that goes with it."
"Keep the story, but I'll take the rat"
Just after he's left the shop with the bronze rat he hears a squeak behind him, looks around and sees there's a rat following him. Ignores it and carries on walking. Minute or two later, he looks back again and there's a dozen rats following him. He speeds up his walk, and after a minute or two looks again - hundreds of rats and more climbing up out of the drains and joining in. He starts running. The rats start running. He heads out onto the pier, runs to the end of it with by now thousands of rats right behind him. When he reaches the end of the pier he throws the bronze rat in the sea, and the thousands of rats run straight off the end of the pier after the statue, and all drown.
Few minutes later, he's back in the old antique shop, and the owner, with a big smile on his face says
"Come back to buy the story, have you?"
"Fuck the story - got any bronze Muslims?"
The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the cord!
I bought a Teddy Bear today for £10, named it Mohammed and sold it for £20 on eBay and made a prophet.
Next time a muslim woman knocks on your door, talk to her through the letter box, see how she likes it.
Q. How long does it take a Muslim adulteress to do the ironing?
A. She can't do it at all. She's been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?
A. She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. How often do Muslim adulteresses pray?
A. They don't pray at all. They've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. Did you hear the one about the Muslim adulteress who had a spare engine in the boot of her VW Beetle?
A. No. Firstly, under Sharia law women can't drive. Secondly, it's hard to drive after you've been stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion - aka Islam.
Cowboys and Muslims
At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: 'Once my people were many, Now we are few.'
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his stetson says, 'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.'
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AN INSPIRING STORY OF MARTYRDOM
A Muslim shaheed or ‘martyr’ (one who dies while killing infidels), may intercede with Allah to take 70 of his relatives to paradise with him, no matter what their sins.
This thought kept going through Papa's mind as he was considering a career for Sharif, the youngest and most useless of his eleven sons and umpteen daughters. Sharif wasn't much good for anything in this world, he couldn't even remember more than five aliases when filling in his welfare claims.
So a family council was called, and targets discussed. Aircraft, schools and trains had their pros and cons. But then Sharif's sister Parveen had a brain-wave. "Killing Christians is indeed pleasing to Allah, but you get treble points for killing Jews - let's send him to Israel"
Everybody was in agreement apart from Momma, who wondered how Sharif was going to feed himself in paradise since this was the first time he'd been away from home and he couldn't even open a can.
"No problem" Papa explained "Out of 72 virgins some of them are going to be able to cook." Momma was not convinced they’d be able to cook as well as her.
Meanwhile Sharif went to the local Mosque’s laboratory to mix the relevant ingredients in the correct proportions.
The great day came, and Sharif rushed into an Israeli seaside bar shouting "I love Pepsi Cola more than you love death! Akkah Albar!" - He never could get anything right.
He pressed the detonator and there was a fizzle, and then a flame from his bomb belt - but no bang. Sharif was no great genius at chemistry, he'd made an incendiary mixture instead of explosives.
In an effort to extinguish the flames, Sharif ran out and jumped into the sea. It worked, but then he remembered he’d never learned to swim.
The body was washed up in due course, leaving and Papa and Momma very uncertain. Could Sharif be a Shaheed by just killing himself without slaughtering any infidels? Eventually they decided to visit a medium to make contact and find out what he was doing in the afterlife.
“Tell me what it’s like where you are” said Papa.
Sharif’s voice came through the medium sounding squeaky and distorted. “Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I have a lettuce. I have sex again. Then I have a cucumber. Then more sex and celery and so on for the rest of the day.”
“Sex, sex and more sex!” Papa said “Truly my son you are indeed a Shaheed!”
But Momma was still a little anxious “You’ll need more than salad to keep your strength up with all that exercise. Aren’t they feeding you properly in paradise?”
“Who said anything about paradise?” Sharif’s voice replied. “I’ve been reincarnated as a rabbit in Salinas valley.”
A MUSICAL INTERLUDE
The shoe bomber song (freakin' hilarious):
http://islamcomicbook.com/lyrics3.htm
Strangers on my flight:
http://beecy.net/frank/
More Muslim friendly carols:
Away in an Al-Qaeda Training Camp
The Holly and the Detonator
Do They Know It's Jihad?
Bombing in a Winter Wasteland
Plus, here are some of your favourite songs from Islamic musicals:
"You've got to kill a kuffar or two"
"Consider yourself ... Al Qaeda"
"The hills are alive with the sound of bombing"
"Somewhere over the minaret"
"Thank heaven for little jihadists"
"Look for the bomb-making necessities"
"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll murder you tomorrow"
"I'm dreaming of no Christmas"
"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the mosque we go"
"Some day my detonators will come"
"Putting on the burqa"
Anon 14:45:
"1. I never claimed that Islam was a race! As you know (or should know) racism extends beyond the concept of 'race'."
Which makes you a racist for criticising anything that isn't you! So there!
Wait, that's not what you mean by racist? Oh dear. Perhaps you'd like to stop playing Humpty Dumpty and use words according to sensible definitions?
"2. Amongst other things, race is a social construct."
Bollocks.
"3. I dont make jokes about Nazis. I enjoy humour and political satire and I dont think that racist jokes are acceptable."
So the Nazis are/were a race? That's interesting. How do you figure that?
"4. I dont think that my measured responses to the racism here on this posting constitutes stupidity or ignorance on my part. However, since the commenters have so far avoided my questions asking them to define their terms of reference, its impossible for me to know HOW you folks define things."
I'll show you mine (definitions) if you'll show me yours.
"Therefore, I may very well be thought of as both ignorant and stupid in your eyes. I was under the assumption that supporters of the BNP would be faithful upholders of the English Language (and all of the congruent definitions that match the words that you use)."
Coming from someone who uses 'racism' to wail about things unrelated to race, that really is very rich indeed.
"Whether this is the case or not isnt really my issue but just to let you know, it is the language that I am conversing on for the purposes of my engagement with you lot."
One converses IN a language, but ON a platform. Thus, you are abusing one, and are handed the other (respectively) while patriots and nationalists like us try and keep the one and are denied the other. So no preaching on the use of the English language, please, there are greater failings on both sides to address. Anon 11:46 was spot on about islam not being a race, and barely a religion, what's your excuse for 'racism' applying beyond the reality of race which you choose to call a construct?
Anonymouse, we are having a laugh here, do you mind. if you do not want to be blown up like the rest of us here, shut your little girlie mouth up and date mohamad. He will soon sort you out.
in any case mind your own business, what are you my concious or something.
“A Muslim walks into a pizza parlor…”
everybody ducks under the tables
Troll:"Amongst other things, race is a social construct."
In truth, I think you will find that society is actually a racial construct.
Take a look around the world at the different races and the societies they create for themselves. Each one has evolved to reflect the natural inclinations, disposition and capabilities of its members. Some societies are inherently dysfunctional beyond a certain civilisational level and some never get as far as what we would call civilisation (I could give examples but that would be racist).
If indeed 'race is a social construct' perhaps you could offer an explanation as to why all societies aren't at the same level.
Regards
Patrick
Back on topic
72 questions about 72 virgins;
The theological questions raised by 72 virgins are both profound and far reaching. For example
1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?
With thanks to the evil Jooooooooooooz (sons of pigs and monkeys) at
http://factsofisrael.com/blog/archives/000079.html
'Much to Zarqawi's surprise, the virgins who awaited him in paradise were not quite what he expected.....
So Lucifer rings Yaweh one day, begging for reconciliation:
"Look God old son, we've had our disagreements and the bad blood between us has gone on long enough. I always liked you, you can't deny that, and, well, I'm getting a bit bored with the stifling heat of hell, the grinding of bones and the gnashing of teeth. And don't get me started on the moaning and the screaming, they never end. But hey, I miss you, can we bury the hatchet and start again?"
"Fucking hell" says the almighty "don't tell me, hell is being overrun with fucking muslim immigrants as well?"
Lionheart. No not him, the other one, yes, him without a blog. For now.
Some Great Jokes there guys. Keep them coming.
Red Anon: I must make one thing clear to you. These jokes are not hidden away on a private forum. They are there for the entire world to see. If you go to the very bottom of the blog and click on the little red man, you will see the world on here and who is on and the locations of past visitors.
I do not like curry so I do not, would not go to an Indian Restaurant. If the jokes offend do not read them.
GA: The point about racial discrimination is that it applies to people regardless as to whether they are aware of it or not. And it is ridiculous to suggest that the way to avoid being offended is simply not to read something. I could suggest the same thing to you about reading the Koran. If it offends, dont read it! The problem is that it does offend you and you dont EVEN read it (or certainly none of you command any detailed knowledge of it). Your posting of racist jokes today was not acceptable and was discriminatory. I dont ignore that sort of abuse lightly.
Anon:"Your posting of racist jokes today was not acceptable"
To whom?
Were you born self-righteous, or is it a recent development?
I could be offended by Benny Hill jokes, does that mean Benny Hill shouldn't tell them?
Where do you draw the line with this 'I'm offended' shit?
Are you offended by my use of the word 'shit'? maybe only you should be aloud to post on this blog...would that make you happy?
"I dont ignore that sort of abuse lightly."
Sorry GOD!
"The point about racial discrimination is that it applies to people regardless as to whether they are aware of it or not."
A bit like Orwell, where Parsons ended up in room 101 because his own daughter accused him of thought crimes...and he wasn't even aware of it!
Nice one, Troll, I don't want to live in your sick world.
"If it offends, dont read it!"
You took the words out of my mouth!
Why don't you 'read the Communist Manifesto' instead of reading this blog?
Silly question, reading the Communist Manifesto means BANNING this blog, doesn't it?
well done folks!
ROFLMAO
Louise didn't you know that comedy was given the green light by government after Rowan Atkinson questioned their incitement to religious (should read ridiculous) hatred laws.
Here are your favourite Elvis songs - Muslim style:
Blue Suede Shoe Bomber
Suspicious Mosques
US Mailbomb
Are you Stoning Tonight?
I Just Can't Help Murdering
Good Bombing Tonight
Do Be Cruel
All Blown Up
Destroy Las Vegas
In The Muslim Ghetto
You'll Never Bomb Alone
A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Stoning
Black Bearded Bloodthirsty Man
Bombers Rush In
I Can Help (You Die)
Teddy Bear (Called Mohammed)
That's All Right Bomber
The Wonder of Jihad
Whole Lot Of Bombin' Goin' On
Here are your favourite Beatles songs - Muslim style:
All My Bombing
All You Need Is Jihad
And I Stone Her
Being For The Benefit Of Mr Bin Laden
Eight Bombs A Week
Blowing A Hole
The Bomb On The Hill
Here Comes The Jihad
Hey Jew (Don't Make Me Mad)
I Want To Sever Your Hand
Lovely Burka
Lucy Blown Up In The Sky With Semtex
Osama's Silver Bomb
She's Leaving Home (In A Coffin)
Ticket To Pakistan
We Can Blow It Up
When I'm Sixty-Four (I'll Marry A Child)
While Baghdad Gently Weeps
With A Little Help From My Koran
Your Imam Should Know
Ok here we go with a Christmas moslem joke:
The latest christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking muslim doll. Only problem is, nobody knows what it says yet because nobody has the bollocks to pull the fucking cord!
&
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!
& a topical one to finish...
British weather, its just like a Muslim, either sunni or shi'ite.
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
hgjyukjhgjgytjkjhgukytguytutit
These are a couple of funny Youtube skits.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
Achmed The Dead Terrorist Carols
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bsHtNZzpzcI
Excuse me for being late...
A young lad was playing with shit and molding it into something when an imam came along and asked, "what are you doing little boy?" The boy proudly said, "I am making a muslim", the imam then suggested he make a model of the greatest man ever to have lived, mohammad (PBUH). The boy puffed up with pride and then slumped down in disappointment and said, "but I do not enough shit for that"...
Q:why do the mohammadens wear rubber welly boots when making love?
A:To stop the goat shit getting between their toes.
Q:Why don't believers wear condoms?
A:They don't need them because you can't make a camel pregnant.
Imman to the flock.
"It has come to my notice that some of you have been having sexual relations with ghosts (djins)
To save your souls from hellfire you must stand before us and confess"
Timid little bearded man raises himself up and slowly puts up his hand.
He is violently harangued by the Imman and hissed at by the brothers.
"How could you lower yourself to have sexual relations with a ghost, Abdul?"
Says Abdul with a quisical look,
"oh, sorry most wise Sheik, I thought you said sexual relations with a goat!"
Says the Immam, after a moments thought,
"Well that's different, Abdul, where do you keep it?"
(with apologies to freddie starr and the Welsh.)
Elvis don't you know it is sin to make an image of any living thing?
Sorry, that's alright then.
No hang on, couldnt they pool their shits, they were all in it together.
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