Sunday, 30 November 2008

Songs of Provocation

The Buskers before the big split when
Tom took his dog and went solo

By Albion

It is Christmas time and already the disturbing spectre of Nationalism is raising its ugly head. It manifested itself with the arrival of two itinerant buskers singing and playing songs which the Police deemed ‘Songs of Provocation’ A news report stated that two men had been arrested for breaches of the racial crimes act and are now awaiting charges of a serious nature.

A police spokes-lady said the duo had already been cautioned earlier that morning for singing ‘I’m dreaming of a white Christmas’ outside of the curry shop ‘Mohammed’s Kitchen’ in the high street near the bus shelters. She added this sort of overt racism will not be tolerated in our multicultural society.

The duo, a politically active tenor banjoist and his accomplice, a mouth organ player were singing a collection of English folk songs and Christmas Carols in the Kingston Mall.

A small crowd of amused onlookers had assembled and were actively involved in a sing-a-long, when the security forces surrounded the area.The Buskers had already sung ‘Nuts for You’ and ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’ and were into the third verse of ‘Jerusalem’.

A man of Asian appearance had earlier rung the police on his mobile phone to complain of their choice of songs.

It was later confirmed that he also rang the BBC News and Current Affairs Dpt, The Sun Tabloid, The Guardian, The News of the World, several local newspapers and had also alerted Channel Four TV, sent a text message to the head office of the Moslem Council of Great Britain, and finally sent a brief message of good wishes to his brother’s third wife in Islamabad, who by coincidence is his first cousin............... if that makes any sense.

The police said the offenders had also built a Styrofoam model of a Snowman holding out a tray for donations.

A police inspector said this act in itself was indeed blatant provocation and will not be tolerated, he went on to warn political agitators against committing hate crimes and that they will institute zero tolerance in matters as serious as this.

On the receipt of the mobile alert the police were quick to respond; two paddy wagons and three police cars were dispatched along with ten policemen and two Police ladies all wearing stab proof vests, and armed with Mace and Tasers. With sharp shooters from the Police Quick Response Group standing by, two large Police ladies were sent in to wrestle the two miscreants to the ground.

The banjo player was fortunate in that his instrument was undamaged although he did lose his pick down the drain. The mouth organ player however was not so fortunate; he was devastated to discover his mouth organ was damaged beyond repair and he is now seeking redress by claiming punitive damages from the Police Service as he had only purchased the instrument new from a Pound Shop earlier that morning. He said he is also initiating claims for considerable damages for loss of earnings, impairment of hearing, stress, lower back pain and repetitive strain injury.

Passers by said they overheard the heavily armed Police quizzing the pair as to whether they were members, supporters or sympathisers of the British National Party and were raising questions about ‘lists’ The irate musicians refused to give any details of their political affiliations other than to say, quote “its none of your f*****g business” which did not go down too well with the men in blue…. and yellow; I should have pointed out earlier they had full riot gear on.

Rumours are rife that the men are being detained and will be transported to a secret location; a small police station on an island in a Scottish Loch, close to the Isle of Lewis, with the purpose to forcibly obtain DNA samples and fingerprints and to establish their political credentials

A young, effeminate news reporter sweating profusely asked excitedly, if torture will be applied, as is customary in cases such as this, to gain information.

The Police Commisioner was quick defend the police action and to point out that people are receiving the wrong message and that torture is NOT mandatory, and he personally defended his position by pointing out that torture will be only be considered as a last resort during the interrogation, using the well established method of applying extreme and painful pressure to various parts of the accused bodies.

He added “I hope that in the fullness of time an information brochure will be sent to all households to explain the Police ground rules on the use of torture. We have nothing to hide and in a democratic society such as ours I would like to stress we are obliged to be ever mindful of the concerns of the population, so we try to alleviate any misconceptions that we use torture for torture’s sake, WE DON’T! I repeat, we do NOT torture ad hoc, there are stringent guidelines to adhere to, although I can’t speak for all my men. I hope that clears the air

He added crimes like this are a matter of national security, and that undercover officers of an indeterminate black colour from the CRE will be ever vigilant for breaches of the Racial Crimes Act.

It was suggested that if people must sing Christmas carols that could be misconstrued as having racist connotations it might be more prudent of them to sing them in the privacy of their own homes.......... quietly.

All school choirs particularly those in cities and towns which are predominately populated by immigrants seeking sanctuary and thus having a substantial number of children of colour and sporting exotic eastern cultures have been issued with guidelines and a list of Christmas carols that the authorities deem inoffensive and appropriate in this day and age in a wonderful, gentle, sophisticated, diverse multicultural society such as ours.



Anonymous said...

In order to make the midwinter holiday more inclusive, traditional C*****mas Carols must be modified to become acceptable to Muslims:

Little Bomber Boy

Jingle Belts

Violent Night

While Shepherds Screw Their Flocks

I stoned Mommy for kissing Santa Claus

Wreck the Halls

Go Shell Them From the Mountain

Frosty the Boobytrap

Oh Come all ye Fanatical

No-go Town of Bethlehem

Hijacked Three Ships

Oh TannenBOOM

Slay Ride

John said...

Nice one, Albion. Great stuff.

It took me until paragraph three to realise that the article is tongue-in-cheek -this a clear indictment of the wretched situation of modern-day Britain.

Anonymous said...

Very amuseing. Tis thr season to be Bolly, I mean Jolly.